I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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