Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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