Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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