if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
