just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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