I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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