Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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