you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
