Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
