It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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