ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
