i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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