Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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