Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
