You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
