dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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