I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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