You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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