I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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