You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
