If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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