Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
