I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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