I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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