She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
