Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
