if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
