its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think I just sharted jello shots
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