I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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