Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He kissed a someone with a penis
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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