Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
That's how pantless uber rides happen
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
