My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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