how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
