His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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