Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
