You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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