He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
