You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
