Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
