MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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