I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
