i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
