also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
