Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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