At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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