my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
