I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
