um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
