Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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