I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
