don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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