she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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