i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
