ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
