if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
