My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.