There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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