im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
