if i can run in heels then i can drive
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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