Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
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I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
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Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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