I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
